I’m not sure how to start this anymore because it was just going to be one long post but I figured I should probably break it into three parts and address the subjects separately. If you’re a long time follower, you’ll know that I used to do a lot of sponsored posts or guest posts and when I shifted to self hosted, I had a massive meltdown because I realised that i’d sold out so, I got rid of more than half of my posts and now, my blog is more a form of catharsis. So whilst you read these posts, this being the first of a three part series, just remember that more than anything, these posts are for me.
A little background on me as a person, I used to be very angry. Angry at the world, people, at myself. Any emotion I couldn’t comprehend immediately was warped and digested as anger. It was just easier to deal with it that way. I never had to admit sadness and anything that upset me was often internalised. These days, more often than not, I try desperately to learn from everything I go through, that way, most of it was worth it. Doing this has helped me grow and become a better person, not really for anyone else but for me and I think I needed myself more than I ever needed anyone else.
To learn these specific lessons, to be this person I’m becoming, I had to endure some situations that realistically, I could have done without. I had to encounter people that weren’t always the best for me, mentally and emotionally and I even had to step out of situations I was not ready to step out of because I had to learn to stop lying to myself about things getting better. But if i’m honest, i’m grateful for everything that happened – now.
Before I really get into it, I want to disclaim that these posts aren’t salty so if you came for drama, you may as well just close the window. I also want to make a note that I am no saint. I am fully aware that I have been toxic in the past and these people may have lasting negative feelings towards me but as I previously stated, this post is for me. I can’t speak on how these people have shifted and moulded because I’m not in contact with any of them. There are three people, outside of family, that have heavily impacted my life. Personal impacts that have lead me to write this post. My reasoning behind writing this on these people is probably because in a way, it feels like closure on a long, both joyous and painful, chapter of my life and after this, maybe I can just move along and none of my history will take it’s tole on me again.
If there’s one thing I know, it’s that I genuinely didn’t deserve half the stuff I experienced during my time with you. No one did. However, my response to everything never made me a better person, at least in my eyes. But rather than hold every bitter pill you made me choke down against you, I want to thank you. Thank you for the crash course in pain, anger, regret and manipulation you forced me through. Something about this entire period of my life flicked a switch in me and I haven’t been the same since. Whilst I miss that girl, she wasn’t helping herself. She was just going through the motions with too much faith in a situation so undeserving of it. The only reason I can forgive and forget is because I know that you’ve also learned from your mistakes which means the person I’m mad at doesn’t really exist anymore, meaning my anger no longer has a plausible target.
Thank you for teaching me to respect myself even when you didn’t, thank you for teaching me to stand my own ground even if I stood it alone. Thank you for teaching me that a good history does not promise a pleasant future and that I need to be more cautious of who I allow to have a place in my life. Thank you for teaching me that I’d rather be alone than place my heart in the hands of the wrong people.
But most of all, thank you for making me come face to face with a version of myself that I never want to meet again because if it wasn’t for this, the person I want to be wouldn’t be as clear. I was propelled into self-improvement after you and i’m not done yet but i’m far closer than I would have been if I did not know these things.