I’m still breathing

So, today is just… one of those days. I’ve been taking my old posts from my previous blog to edit and reupload onto this blog if I feel they’re still relevant and honestly, I needed this one. Please excuse my dramatic ass throughout this whole post.

We’ve all been there. Had a rough patch, felt down. Sometimes too down to feel like it’s possible to get back up. I’d like to let you know that it is. No matter where you are, there is always a way to get back on your feet. Now, I’m not saying it’ll be easy but like everything else that you have to work for, it’ll be worth it. First, you’re going to have to really want it though.

This year, in short, has been pretty… well, awful. I’ve messed up a lot and step by step, I am seriously trying to correct my mistakes and put everything back in it’s place but it isn’t easy. I’m quite an introvert so talking to people isn’t something that appeals to me, that includes parents and I’m a total loser with no friends (sometimes due to the fact that I push them away, other times because they have proven they are no good and damn I just don’t have the time to waste.) So even people my own age aren’t an option to discuss personal matters with. Therefore, through a majority of all this correcting, I’m on my own. Mind, I will definitely take the credit for being self-isolating.

But I’m breathing.

I feel like that is important. Don’t get it twisted, I have had days where a bottle of vodka and something high to jump off of has come across as very glittery and enticing or a handful of pills has looked really tasty but I haven’t acted upon it. Sadness cannot be what life is about and if it is, I refuse to just sit here and accept it. Not if I can change it, at least. I have resulted to day drinking in the past, just to feel numb and forget but I’m telling you first hand, THIS DOES NOT DO ANYTHING POSITIVE. Alcohol is a depressive, not a temporary cure for upset. It will just make you feel worse and on top of that, give you a head ache. I’ve been a disappointment to my parents, I am a college drop out, I do mess up and have a tendency to get sucked into the wrong crowd. I am easily lead and I do give up quite quickly if I see no improvement, I have cried myself to sleep and I have lied. I have beat myself up, thought about sad things so hard that they’ve made me vomit. I’ve refused to believe my granddad moved country and pushed the thought of possibly never seeing him again from my head. I do pretend I don’t care and hurt people in the process, so much that they hate me. I have been stabbed in the back by people I never thought would do me wrong and I’ve broke promises I never should have broken. I have made people feel rubbish about themselves and I am selfish and I can be a rotten person. I am naive and I wear my heart on my sleeve regardless of how many times people have showed me that this is dumb. I have made more mistakes than I care to remember and I am a massive screw up and you know what?

It’s okay. Because I’m not the only college drop out to ever exist, I am not the only teenage girl to cry herself to sleep and everyone has broke a promise they shouldn’t have, no matter how many of you turn around and say “No, I’d never do that.” because you don’t know that. You cannot predict the future and therefore, cannot pretend you know what you’d do if you were faced with certain situations.

So, if you’ve screwed up, get over it. Forgive yourself, don’t forget, heed the lessons you have taught yourself the hard way. I’ve been through this and more and I am still breathing. Day by day, I am trying to better myself. Even though I am aware that I cannot control all factors of life, I can try and improve my own. It’s important that people realise this, realise that it is possible to correct things. Okay, so you can’t go back in time and physically stop something from happening but you can do your best to put things right and if you want to “get better”, so to speak, then you have to go straight to the source, what do you need to change so that tomorrow is a better day?

Quick message – Do not be grateful just because it isn’t worse. You are entitled to be sad for your own reasons, regardless of how hard anyone else’s life is. If you try and talk to someone and they turn around and tell you that you’re lucky because you’re not going through X or that X didn’t happen to you then find someone else to talk to. They should not be belittling you because someone else has a tough life too. That isn’t how sadness works.

I feel like there’s no external point of this post other than letting myself and others know that whatever you’re dealing with right now, isn’t the end of the world and you’re expected and allowed to make mistakes, just be sure not to intentionally make the same mistake twice.

8 thoughts on “I’m still breathing

  1. astijake John says:

    Hey, great post. Very raw and honest. Everybody on this planet has made mistakes, probably even the Pope! It’s difficult to forgive yourself, even when it’s nobody’s fault, but you definitely have to move on and try to do a little better next time.

    Liked by 1 person

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