Okay, so this is again, a post taken from my old blog because I figured it was still relevant and whilst I won’t change anything about the original post because obviously, that was how I was feeling at that time, I did experience some other form of heartbreak and it has come to my attention that there are different kinds of heartbreak and they don’t all feel the same and some last far longer than others. Some of them, you don’t get closure. You don’t get an explanation and you don’t handle it so elegantly. Some of them give you anxiety attacks at three in the morning, they stop you from listening to certain artists, watching certain films and going to certain places. Some of them cause your lips to tremble at things so slight as a smell. And some of them change you.
I don’t have any advice for this kind of heartbreak. It just be like that sometimes, I’m sorry.
Dear Lacey, I really hoped for both my sake and yours, that I’d never have to write this kind of post but seeing as this situation is inevitable in most young girls and boys lives, I figured both you and others could probably benefit from it.
Heartbreak sucks. In every sense it’s painful and lonely. That’s something that you’re just going to understand. I’m writing this post on an extended timescale so I can document how long it takes me to return to myself again. A short while ago, I had to experience this heart wrenching situation and let me tell you, it’s not something I wish to endure ever again, so long as I can help it. Even writing this is weird because I’m so disorientated by everything that has happened and I’m still trying to grasp on to my thoughts and feelings in order to get them into words.
This person had a relatively large impact on my life over the course of almost two years, both negative and positive. I can’t sit here sourly and say the entire relationship was awful because there must have been something that made me stay for so long, even if I can’t remember those reasons now. Fear, perhaps? Maybe even just the need or desire to be cared about? I don’t exactly like being in my own space, stuck with my own mind.
There were a lot of emotions involved, very powerful and strong emotions that I dare say i’ll feel again someday but it’s possible that I felt them for the first time within this chapter of my life. Although, looking back now, I don’t think it was so much how I felt for him as much as it was how he made me feel about myself. I’d be lying if I said it was an equal relationship, there was a lot of giving on his side and a lot of taking on mine and though there are plausible reasons for this, i’m not here to call anyone out on their shit. Anyway, there were a lot of feelings to digest and some of them, I just didn’t cope very well with.
The reason for the ending of this era isn’t important within the post because essentially, i’m sure all heartbreak probably feels the same (lol, does it FUCK) In retrospect. Therefore, I won’t dwell on the issues too much but it was down to both sides of the party just not being at the right mental age and strength for each other, we rode two different waves. We were not compatible and this realisation was followed swiftly by disrespect and disloyalty. This was the first of many bitter pills to swallow – the realisation and admitting that it just wasn’t okay for either of us by the time ending it came around.
He had a lot of growing up and experiencing to do and I had a lot of emotional healing and self care that I needed to put all of my energy into. Sometimes, these things just happen and you finally have to put yourself first again. Realistically, it’s a blessing in the long run.
The first week or two are the most difficult, the wounds are fresh, you’re still trying to wrap your head around it and you’re at a weird stage where you’re fine at ten in the morning then crying at two but eventually, you’ll cry over it for the last time and probably won’t even realise it.
It’s been a month, I stopped crying around two and a half weeks ago. It hasn’t been easy but it’s definitely getting easier. After having a lot of time to work on myself and fit all of the puzzle pieces in place and to actually venture out as a free person once again, I can honestly say that I do not miss the relationship or the person. Only when you step outside of a situation can you peer in and see how toxic and unhealthy it was. That’s when the healing begins, when you’re happy with the outcome and you know it was the right decision. There’s a lot of comfort that comes out of that. You no longer care for answers about what went wrong and the what ifs, you’re just happy to smile again. You stop blaming yourself as well, the cliché feelings of “why was I not enough?” being cast aside and forgotten.
You’ve already accepted everything that’s happened, you’re already moving forward and once you come to terms with the fact that if the relationship was good then it would have worked, there’s this sense of peace that begins to shroud you.
A majority of the time, it’s not even the person you miss, it’s the routine. Having someone there to validate you, making you feel important becomes a habit and when that’s gone, you forget that you can do that for yourself. That’s why it hurts, because no one is making you feel worthy anymore and you don’t remember who you were before the relationship. It feels so long ago. You’re back in foreign space and you have to learn to love yourself again.
It’s been four months now and let me tell you, when I was in that situation and mind frame, it felt never ending but now that I’m out of it, I can’t even remember how it felt and I certainly didn’t expect to be in the place i’m in now.
I’m currently completely content and happy. Constantly working on myself and who I want to be, surrounding myself with positive people and vibes. I never realised how isolated i’d become in the relationship until I got out. I’d go as far as to say i’m actually kind of disappointed with myself for staying in that place when I knew deep down that it wasn’t right for me and now that i’m detached from it, I can solidify that it genuinely is the routine you miss, not the person, not if it wasn’t real at least.
Don’t get me wrong, you notice what your life lacks when someone is removed from it. Someone else might not say the same kind things, but you only miss hearing it because it made you feel good, not because they were the ones saying it.
Whilst I finish this, I’m sat in my work garden, drinking cider, the sun is out, i’m in my summer dress, lathered in tanning oil, generally just loving life. I’m glad, in a weird way, that I went through all of this because it makes me appreciate feeling happy so much more and most importantly, it reminds me to appreciate myself. As much as the situation wasn’t ideal, i’ll be eternally grateful for the lessons I’ve learned in the process of having to endure it and I hope that when you eventually get your heart broken, you manage to decipher all of your feelings in a healthy fashion and come out on to.
As always, I love you moosh xx