We’ve all had it, those things that people have spat at you with sharp tongues, not thinking about how it will impact your life in the future, maybe someone has called you a slut and now you’re scared to wear skirts, someone called you a freak and now your conscious about everything that makes you unique. Those are the things that suck most, the ones that bury themselves deep in your head and sometimes you’re lucky enough to ignore them however, one day, they’ll just randomly pop up and ruin your fucking life.
I’ve had a lot of mean things said to me over the years but one, one of them manages to eat away at me almost every day and worm it’s way into a majority of my life situations – I’m damaged goods.
Even writing this post, there’s a lump in my throat because the more I think about it, the more I fear that it’s true.
Let me explain what I mean by this, a little while ago, I pissed someone off and they turned around and threw this line in my face – you’re damaged goods. And, now that I’m in a certain point in my life, I kind of relate to it and it’s making me hate myself.
Everyone has a sticky patch in their life, where they learn lessons from a bad experience, it’s a really unfortunate way to learn a lesson but nine times out of ten, it’ll prevent you from making the same mistakes again. However, they could also prevent you from doing things that will make you happy. For instance, when someone has consistently hammered into your head via their actions i.e cheating or not making time for you, that you aren’t good enough, it begins to take its toll. When someone repeatedly tells you something beautiful only to piss on their words through the things they do, those words lose their meaning, even when they start water falling from someone else’s lips.
And you find yourself just… Brushing off anything thoughtful anyone ever says to you due to one bad experience.
In reality, it’s sort of a defence mechanism, no one wants to get hurt, right? So what if you expect the worst? At least then, you’re never disappointed. But now I’m stuck in a rut, because this specific line is making my life difficult, I can’t process things purely and innocently like I used to, just believing that there was good in people from the off set, feeling like they never had any second intentions and mistakes really are just that, mistakes. Like forgetting to put the washing on, not texting other girls. There’s so much carnage in my head that I struggle to let go of because there’s nothing physical stopping it from happening again, just my imaginary little barrier.
So I’m damaged goods, because I can’t let things go and see the world in an honest light, no speech feels genuine, cute messages feel forced, compliments; regurgitated. The gold that used to spin itself around sickeningly sweet sentences that, two years ago, said by the right person, would have given me butterflies and now they’re just rusty chat up lines where fuck boys are trying to be romantic.
Being damaged goods is no fun, you can run from anything on this earth except from your own mind.
Right, so this post was written two years ago and this to me, is so MAD to think that I literally felt that way and obviously some of it still stands like, it’s difficult convincing yourself that you’re good enough when those you hold dearest are constantly showing you that you are bottom of their priority list but I have noticed a lot of changes in myself these past few years to the point where I can stand and say that this shit, isn’t half as heavy as it used to be, I used to crave human attention, I needed validation from others and negative words weighed down on my shoulders. Nowadays, external opinions, at least the negative ones, are pretty invalid. I don’t roll my eyes at every compliment and I am so content in my own company. I don’t have the time nor patience for people that do not hold me in their life in the same position I hold them in my life and I absolutely have no qualms with cutting people out if they bring in too much toxicity. It’s taken a lot for me to learn this and I’m grateful for old posts like this, proving to me that, even though it’s taken such a long time, I have definitely changed as a person. I’m not quite where I want to be but at least I know I’m getting there.