It scolds like the whiskey you’re pouring down your throat as if it were water, trying to forget their name, a wasted attempt to wash away their promises. But you can’t. Your lungs feel half full with every inhalation. Your breathing, hitched. There is a hole that you don’t think you can fill. You feel small and vulnerable, helpless.
Eventually, the tears run dry and a wave of exhaustion crashes into you.
Even though there is a beating in your chest, when you open your eyes, everything feels so dead, rotting away around you.
You remember those feelings, the bitter chill in your bloodstream. The stutter in your heart and the pulsing in your head. The heartbreak that stripped your innocence and replaced it with an everlasting doubt of the existence of anything real.
Some people let it bleed, let it hurt, let it heal and let it go. Moving on and trying again and again, refreshing the page and starting over. Thinking “everyone is different, everyone deserves a chance.” Others
hold are stubborn and they remember that pain. They hold onto it, just a little bit, to remind them of what it feels like to make the mistake of trusting the wrong person. Running to the wrong person.
Some keep heartbreak close to them and remember- remember how it feels to be crushed by your infatuation. To have them chew you up and spit you out when the flavour ceases to exist – like cheap gum. To take your naivety and turn it into caution, hesitation, uncertainty. Fear. No one should fear being loved or loving, it should be embraced and welcomed but instead, these people suffer at the hands of a very real deficiency in monogamy.
I cannot decide which person I am for I wish to be loved but at the same time, I do not want to love – it is a violent ocean and I am not a strong swimmer so I tend to paddle in shallow pools and dip my toes into luke warm puddles.
And yet, for me and others alike, we fail to refrain from diving in deep and we forget to hold our breath, loving powerfully with broken hearts accepting our fate as we slowly drown in the temporary.