So when I’m out with friends, I tend to do this thing where I write down some of the funny things they say in my notes. Over the course of around three years, I’ve managed to gather quite the list.

Here are some of the SFW ones from the collection.

“A spoon full of Mr Muscle helps the salmonella go down.”

“That’s why the polar bears keep dying, because I keep fucking washing them.”

“Nice glove man. Thanks, it used to be my jumper.”

“I’d flash my nipple for a pair of Vans.”

“You go for a piss, come back and there’s a mountain.”

“How do you think Shakespeare released his EP? Thytunes.”

“Like Slipknot said, people equal shit.”

“I drive a formula one tractor.”

“You need some milk.” “I need some fucking serotonin, hun.”

“If a man took a bite out of Spongebob’s head, that’s what those crumpets are like.”

“Ham and mustard sounds vile.” “…Not if you like ham and mustard.”

“Why do these ducks always get so fucking angry?”

“Courtney, act normal.”

“That’s at least… Bare P.”

“If I watch that, are you gonna like… fuckin’ hold me?”

“Fish sleep with their eyes open.” “They must have the driest eyes.”

“I don’t eat anything green. Other than gherkins. I love gherkins.”

“It’s like calamari on steroids.”

“Your cupboards like an Uber for the shoes.”

“What would you do if I got murdered?” “You ever seen John Wick?”

I’m not sure if any of these are actually funny to anyone else but I remember being in stitches with every single one of them and I highly recommend everyone else starts a quote book in their notes, honestly, best pick me up when I’m feeling a bit down then I remember I’m surrounded by the funniest people on this earth and I love each and everyone of them.