I had this whole post planned out in my head during the peak of my midnight identity crisis meltdown and then the song changed and I forgot everything. These are the erratic thoughts that cloud my head in the AM and it would be nice to get some reassurance that I’m not the only one.
It started when I was watching Someone Great on Netflix and there’s a scene where the female protagonist talks about her plans for the future. It made me kind of sad because I used to know everything about myself and what I wanted (one bedroom flat in a busy city with lots of house plants and books for those of you that are curious) and now I’m not entirely sure.
I don’t have the first clue anymore. At some point, I’m not entirely sure when, I stopped being me and started being someone else and now I don’t know who the real me is. I feel like an impostor in my own body.
It’s like I’ve spent my entire life trying to be so many different people and now I’m just made up of all these little pieces of different versions of me that no longer exist. Like I’m not quite a whole person. I suppose this could be called my identity depending on what actually constitutes as an identity.
I don’t feel fulfilled within myself which would be absolutely fine if I knew exactly what it is that I want but I don’t so now i’m trying to convince myself that cutting my hair into another bob isn’t going to solve this. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Maybe the real issue is that I want to be everyone and do everything all at the same time but not being restricted doesn’t sit well with others and it also makes things difficult because there is no clear path to take in order to achieve “a bit of this and a bit of that.”
And you know what else? I’m hardcore whimsical trash. I’ve built my personality off of characters in books that I like and aesthetically pleasing 80’s movies. I literally feel like someone has scattered 20 different Lego sets over the floor and I’ve managed to build something weird out of a piece of each of them. Then I consider the fact that maybe everyone else actually feels the same, they’re just a lot better at conforming or making decisions. Maybe the adultier adults aren’t actually as well put together as I perceive them. This momentarily makes me feel better because it means that if this is true then I’m just like everyone else.
Then I worry that I’m just like everyone else and that’s exactly what i’ve been trying to avoid by putting together this character. So I guess I have three questions:
Who am I?
Am I real?
Do I really want reassurance that this is how everyone feels?
The Good Names Are Gone 
You sound like a perfectly normal 22-year-old. It’s the ones who know exactly what they want, or worse yet are married and having kids who scare the shit out of me. The problem with people, at any age, is that they won’t admit how lost and phony they feel. You’re doing just fine and you’re exactly where the universe wants you to be.
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I hope so 😂 I think it’s just the fear of not getting anywhere full stop that really scares me
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Ah, youth. I feel like I should breath in the smell and savor it for awhile. No, you are not like everyone else, but you are. Everyone is different, but the same. I think maybe your process of getting to where you’re meant to be is just a little confusing to you right now, but when you get there it will make perfect sense. I knew exactly what I wanted ,but I ended up exactly where I was supposed to be instead. And, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns, but it’s doable and even pleasant sometimes. Enjoy the process. Discover new pieces of yourself. And build who you are destined to be, not who you think you’re supposed to be.
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Hey, I really like that, “I ended up exactly where I was supposed to be instead” this brings me so much comfort, thank you 😊
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I wish I could be 22 and feel like I’ve got a blank canvas to be able to create an identity again and then watch it change once again, for that is certain, it will.
I’m turning 34 in two weeks. Had kids in my early 20s, house, married, all that jazz. With that said, I still sit here trying to figure out what my next identity will be, cause it always changes. Being the same, forever, for people like us, that’s boring.
I say screw what everyone else wants you to be – we can be one or all of what we want. You do you.
Have you read the book “How to be Everything” by Emilie Wapnick?
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I have not, can you give me a summary about the book? It might be my next read and also, I’m glad that this isn’t a personal feeling, I always find comfort knowing my thoughts are more common than I think 😊
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It’s completely normal to feel this way. When I was your age I had no idea what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I worried too much of what other people think. Now that I’m 28 (almost 29) I know myself better and don’t listen to other’s judgments or what they think I should be. Everything will fall into place as it should when it should. You just have to keep living and doing what you love.
– B 🌿
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I’m slowly starting to realise that and come to terms with the fact that I’m running a marathon, not a race 😊 thank you for your comment
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No problem!
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