I had this whole post planned out in my head during the peak of my midnight identity crisis meltdown and then the song changed and I forgot everything. These are the erratic thoughts that cloud my head in the AM and it would be nice to get some reassurance that I’m not the only one.
It started when I was watching Someone Great on Netflix and there’s a scene where the female protagonist talks about her plans for the future. It made me kind of sad because I used to know everything about myself and what I wanted (one bedroom flat in a busy city with lots of house plants and books for those of you that are curious) and now I’m not entirely sure.
I don’t have the first clue anymore. At some point, I’m not entirely sure when, I stopped being me and started being someone else and now I don’t know who the real me is. I feel like an impostor in my own body.
It’s like I’ve spent my entire life trying to be so many different people and now I’m just made up of all these little pieces of different versions of me that no longer exist. Like I’m not quite a whole person. I suppose this could be called my identity depending on what actually constitutes as an identity.
I don’t feel fulfilled within myself which would be absolutely fine if I knew exactly what it is that I want but I don’t so now i’m trying to convince myself that cutting my hair into another bob isn’t going to solve this. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Maybe the real issue is that I want to be everyone and do everything all at the same time but not being restricted doesn’t sit well with others and it also makes things difficult because there is no clear path to take in order to achieve “a bit of this and a bit of that.”
And you know what else? I’m hardcore whimsical trash. I’ve built my personality off of characters in books that I like and aesthetically pleasing 80’s movies. I literally feel like someone has scattered 20 different Lego sets over the floor and I’ve managed to build something weird out of a piece of each of them. Then I consider the fact that maybe everyone else actually feels the same, they’re just a lot better at conforming or making decisions. Maybe the adultier adults aren’t actually as well put together as I perceive them. This momentarily makes me feel better because it means that if this is true then I’m just like everyone else.
Then I worry that I’m just like everyone else and that’s exactly what i’ve been trying to avoid by putting together this character. So I guess I have three questions:
Who am I?
Am I real?
Do I really want reassurance that this is how everyone feels?